6 Signs It’s a “Datemate”

If you missed the definition of the Play/Datemate, read HERE.

As I mentioned in the Playmate post, I’ve been in this dynamic too many times to count. However, I’ve typically been the one using the relationship as a way to pass the time. That’s the biggest sign of all with Datemates, you expend energy dating around and dealing with someone not meant for your future. You recognize the temporary nature of the connection but still allow it to progress because you yearn for someone to fill the role versus being fit for the role. If most of these signs apply to your current significant other, maybe it’s time to downgrade their significance and calmly walk away.

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1) Allowing time to pass until “The One” comes along. It’s shameful to admit it but as months evolve into years and we watch our close friends get married, have children, and move on from the days of late-night partying and leftover pizza, we start questioning some of the dating decisions from our pasts. He was a good guy, I should’ve treated him better. She was a little crazy but I wish I could find someone that loyal. Okay, he cheated on me twice but maybe I should’ve forgiven him because other than that, he treated me well. Feeling pressure to find everlasting love has made us compromise our standards and therefore our situations. We choose to share our lives and time with the wrong person out of fear and loneliness. How many memories will be created and firsts celebrated with the Wrong one before we recognize only leftovers will remain for the Right one?

2) It’s not clear enough to warrant real titles. I love the term Situationship as it embodies equally the complexity and simplicity plaguing many male/female dynamics. It allows the flexibility of open dating however, there are extensive feelings involved. It takes dating in the gray to a whole new level! For most of us, having someone want to assign titles means they value and respect both you and the relationship you’re cultivating. It should represent levels of commitment, transparency, and partnership.  Titles have a way of articulating a person’s objective in your life and for their life with you. If someone spends more time trying to identify reasons to NOT give you a title while expecting the benefits that come with one, maybe it’s time to rethink their presence in your life. Pretending to be a partner isn’t the same as being one.

3) You have a consistent movie and dinner date. Having a consistent plus 1 is the key benefit of a Datemate. No more feeling like the awkward fifth wheel during couples cabin trips, game nights, and family functions. Datemates can be considered the perfect seat fillers. However, by spending evenings, weekends, and special events with “fillers” you avoid being available for the one that actually ‘fits.’

4) Too many conversations start with “I”.  This sign falls in lock-step with the Playmate. Here’s a reminder: In real partnerships, there’s a shared belief that when each person focuses on taking care of the other, the relationship thrives. However, Datemates are concerned more with how things appear to outsiders versus building the right foundation inside of the relationship. Every conversation comes back to how others may have perceived an action rather than trying to understand your point of view. Both people must have a healthy respect for the shared entity – your “relationship.”

5) Assumptions, contradictions, and miscommunication. This one is pretty straightforward but I’ll simply say – your situation will always be plagued with these issues because the emphasis is on appearance rather than compatibility.

6) The connection lacks depth. There must be a deeper connection between two people for anything of substance to come from the union. Datemate dating doesn’t strengthen bonds nor build trust. It elevates the external versus celebrating shared values and beliefs. Who wants to look across the dance floor after a few borrowed years to realize they don’t truly know the person holding their hand? No one. Because in that same moment of clarity, you’d be forced to admit there was a time in your life when you put other people’s opinions above your own happiness.

Let’s be honest, are you just dating someone to pass the time? Is someone using you for that same purpose? If so, is it working or have you found yourself yearning for more substance? Post your comments!



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